Affirmations

Until recently, I hadn't ever used affirmations, I hadn't needed them. I started using affirmations and mantras before I realized exactly what I was doing, and before I admitted to myself why I needed them. Every day is a battle. Some days I can make it through smoothly. Some days I cry. Some days I have a panic attack.

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I opened up more and began discussing my anxiety with others. One of my coworkers, one of the most zen people I know, gave me a set of mala beads. Mala beads are supposed to help with meditation, but you don't need to meditate to find them useful. My coworker told me to say my affirmation of choice with each bead. There is a freedom in these beads, because I can use whatever affirmation works best for me. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I hold the beads one-by-one and repeat my current affirmation. It helps to calm me down sometimes, by making me focus on something. But sometimes, I still get so angry and upset that no matter what stress reducing technique I try, my emotions continue to ramp up.

A sketch I did, representing how my anger often overcomes my will to be calm.
Her hair is inspired by the shape of tie of the mala beads. 

My husband jokes that anger is my only emotion. I often express myself with anger mixed with another emotion. I want to scream and break things not just when I am angry, but also when I am sad, overwhelmed, or happy. So while the mala beads are a good start, I am a long way from being at peace with my cancer, let alone with existence. Peace is not typically a part of who I am. As the Sith Code goes, peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Here are some of my favorite phrases to use as affirmations and mantras:

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I found myself repeating this one over and over again throughout my recovery after surgery. From lifting a heavy glass to taking a shower to putting on clothes. I still need to say this sometimes, especially when taking off a tight shirt or when working a busy shift.

Just keep fighting.

In my most down moments, when I want to give up, I have to say this.

Recovering is work. You are being productive.

I have a difficult time sitting around and doing nothing. For about 3 weeks after surgery, until my drains were out, I struggled to move or to focus. Just going to the bathroom was exhausting. I felt guilty for wasting time sleeping and watching TV so much. I try to repeat this one to myself, but I still don't quite believe it.

One day at a time.

My panic attacks are often preceded by thoughts about my future: money, cancer risks, more surgeries. I have to force myself to think short term only, or I lose my momentum and drive.

Crying is not weakness.

Feeling defeated is not the same as being defeated.

Courage is fighting through the fear.

I hate how often I cry, and how often I cry about the same things. When I was young, I saw crying as a weakness and prided myself on strength. Really, it was a lack of experience, a lack of my own struggles, and not understanding that emotions cannot stay bottled up forever. I am still in the middle of this fight, and often feel like I cannot actually win. The winning is in the persisting.

Do not diminish your struggle by comparing it to someone else's.

There were many times people said to me "It could be worse", which felt like a punch in the gut. I often heard this from people older than me who haven't had any serious health issues. Yes, it could be worse, but it could also fucking be better! I could not have cancer. I could not have a gene which means I am likely to get more cancer. I could not be 30 years old and imagining my death from cancer. It felt like my cancer was being judged. It was so hurtful. NEVER let anyone tell you that it could be worse.

It is ok for other people to see your pain and fear.

There are so many pictures out there of people undergoing cancer treatment with a smile and a thumbs up. That is so far from the daily reality. People won't know what we are going through unless we let them see it. People often want to talk to me about everything, but are nervous to ask. It is not weakness to share what I am going through, and it is helpful to talk about it.

So I will continue to talk about it, to,help myself, and maybe some other people too.