Stuck in Human Form

Are my expanders big enough yet? I would ask myself this question after every fill. There isn't a guideline of how much fluid injected equals a certain cup size, because cup sizes vary by woman based on her own size and shape. I spent a lot of time agonizing over knowing when it was enough, when I was at the size I wanted. I had to think to myself: what I would regret more, having my fake breasts be too big or too small? I was a c-cup before the surgery. I knew I wanted to be at least the same size, or maybe a bit bigger. My plastic surgeon assured me that the decision didn't have to be final, I could always go through the process again for bigger boobs, or get smaller implants. Not that this information helped. I would have to be a little insane to want to go through the expansion process again, let alone another anesthesia. Can't forget that insurance deductible either... After each fill appointment, I would go home and hold one of my old b...

Doesn't reconstruction seem like an amazing process? It is! But it also can really fucking suck. At first, my chest looked like two craters. I didn't want to look at myself, with that shape and an obvious lack of nipples. For several weeks after the surgery, I did not have skin sensation, like when your gums are numb after  a dentist injects novocaine, except it was my entire chest. The only thing I could feel was if there pressure the expanders/my chest. Pro: can't feel pain. Con: can't feel anything else. The weekly fills were coming along well, and I returned to work 6 weeks after my surgery. It would take just over 2 months of fills to get to the size I wanted, so I had to learn to live with the expanders back in my normal life. The lack of sensation hindered my ability to hold animals as part of my job (I'm a veterinarian), because I couldn't easily tell how hard I was holding them. I can't explain how weird it is to have a Great Dane jump and place i...

Since I wasn't going to need chemotherapy after my mastectomy, my doctors allowed me to have my breast reconstruction started during the same surgery as my mastectomy. This means that immediately after my general surgeon removed my breast tissue, my plastic surgeon scrubbed in and placed expanders in my chest. By pairing these surgeries, it meant one less surgery/anesthesia overall, so I was glad to have the option.  I should state that you don't need to have breast reconstruction after a mastectomy. There are a lot of women out there who decide that they might as well live their life without breasts. Once everything is healed up, it leaves a flat chest. A lot of women are proud of their flat chest and all the shit they've gone through. There is no good or bad option, you decide what is best for your comfort and confidence. You can always go back and change your mind later, just speak to a plastic surgeon about what the best way to go about it is. Reco...

During the six week recovery from my mastectomy, I scheduled an appointment with an oncologist. An oncologist is a medical doctor that specializes in cancer. Despite all that I had been through, I hadn't actually seen an oncologist yet. Most of my care had been provided by the general surgeon I was seeing through the High Risk Breast Center. She was the one who recommended a referral. I was anxious in the waiting room, I always am at these specialty appointments. As usual, my husband and I were the youngest people in the waiting room. The only people under 55 years old.  I would rather be surrounded by people my age, it would make the entire situation seem a little more fair. I know, life isn't fair. Still, being surrounded by much older people always reminds me that the cards I have been dealt suck. The oncologist didn't need to do any sort of physical exam, she just sat down to talk to us about my history and what the next steps should be. I had brought ...

*Content warning: this post contains pictures of my chest and drains after surgery* I had been told by several people that I would hate my drains. I was optimistic at first. After all, the surgery had gone so well, maybe the drains would be better than expected too? I was wrong. So wrong. They were plastic pieces of hell worming themselves into my body. The mastectomy surgery involved removal of a large amount of breast tissue, as well as the nipples in my case. When this much tissue is removed, there is empty space underneath the skin where drainage from surrounding tissue can build up. The drains make sure that extra fluid, blood, and small pieces of tissue are removed from your body. With such a big surgery, your body can't break all that down and absorb it faster than it is made. If all that gunk were to sit around under your skin, it could slow down healing and cause a major infection. The type of drain my surgeon used was called a Jackson-Pratt drain, or ...

I had supposedly woken up in a recovery room before being moved to my overnight hospital room, but I don't remember it. I do remember waking up the hospital bed and seeing my husband. At first, I couldn't stay lucid no matter how hard I tried. I would be awake for maybe thirty seconds, say something, then fall back asleep. I remember apologizing to my husband and the nurse because I couldn't stay awake. I don't know why I was so apologetic about that specifically, I am never that apologetic about anything. At one point I  has heard a nurse talking about how she was emptying my drains, and I couldn't pay attention, so I told my husband to pay attention to what the nurse said. Apparently, I told him on several occasions to pay close attention. Seems like I have a difficult time depending on people even when I am under the effects of anesthesia.  It was late afternoon by the time I had fully woken up. I was dressed in a hospital gown, had a surgery cap over ...

As soon as I knew that I was going to have to get a double mastectomy, I started researching what kinds of supplies and planning would be needed for a smooth recovery. I did a lot of Google and Pinterest searches, and asked my sister (who had gone through the surgery earlier that year). The internet provided sources with short lists, and a lot of repetitive information between them. So here are my recommendations for a few things to make recovery easier. 1. Build your nest. If you want any sort of independence after surgery, build an area in your home where small things you may need are in reach. And by "reach", I mean set it up like you are a T-Rex. I wasn't be able to lift heavy objects or even fully extend my arms without some discomfort. Heck, sitting up was a feat, since I came out of surgery with 4 drains and two lines from my pain pump. I had to make sure any movement I made didn't pull on any of the 6 tubes coming out of my body. I set up my nest on the cou...

When you're going to stay in the hospital overnight for surgery, be sure to plan what to wear. The clothes you wear into the hospital are most likely the clothes you're going to wear out of the hospital. I knew that after my mastectomy I would have difficulty putting on pants, and I wouldn't be able to pull a shirt over my head. I got dressed in stretchy sweatpants, a button-up shirt , a zip-up hoodie, and slip on shoes. These ended up being the perfect clothes to wear after the surgery. I had even color coordinated with blacks and maroons. It was important to me that I looked a little put together on the outside because I was panicking on the inside. I packed a small hospital bag that my husband would watch over while I was in surgery. It included my wallet with my ID and insurance card. I had also packed a hairbrush, toothbrush, and an extra set of clothes but I hadn't ended up needing them. Before I left work on medical leave, I had been gifted a mastectomy...

*Adult content: This post contains a picture of my chest before surgery* After being diagnosed with breast cancer, I had elected to have a double mastectomy performed, which is recommended for people who are BRCA2 positive. I would have both breasts removed, along with my nipples and almost all of my breast tissue, to minimize my chances of the breast cancer returning. Some BRCA2 positive women have the surgery performed before they get cancer. I would have done the same, had I not been diagnosed so young. My general surgeon also planned to take at least one or two lymph nodes, to send to a histopathologist to make sure the cancer hadn't spread. If it did, I would need chemotherapy. Cancer and surgery was one thing, chemo was a whole different ball game that I didn't want to play. Gifts from one of my coworkers. I had already met with a plastic surgeon to plan my reconstruction, which means putting in expanders to stretch the skin,  which then eventually get r...