Size Does Matter


Are my expanders big enough yet?

I would ask myself this question after every fill. There isn't a guideline of how much fluid injected equals a certain cup size, because cup sizes vary by woman based on her own size and shape. I spent a lot of time agonizing over knowing when it was enough, when I was at the size I wanted. I had to think to myself: what I would regret more, having my fake breasts be too big or too small?

I was a c-cup before the surgery. I knew I wanted to be at least the same size, or maybe a bit bigger. My plastic surgeon assured me that the decision didn't have to be final, I could always go through the process again for bigger boobs, or get smaller implants. Not that this information helped. I would have to be a little insane to want to go through the expansion process again, let alone another anesthesia. Can't forget that insurance deductible either...

After each fill appointment, I would go home and hold one of my old bras up to my chest to see if it looked like I was about the size I wanted to be. But holding up an old bra wasn't a perfect plan, because the expanders couldn't mold to fit the cup. The expanders sit on the chest in a very unnatural way. They were high up, as though there was an invisible super strength push up bra on at all times. Their shape was almost perfectly round. I was sure people would think it looked like I cut a softball in half and stuck it under my shirt. So of course, guessing the 'right' size was almost impossible.

I was crying almost weekly as I looked to my old bras for comparison. They were a reminder of a body part that was basically amputated, a body part that I would never have again. My bra drawer was filled with memories. My comfy bra, my overpriced Victoria's Secret bra, my amazing cleavage bra, my strapless bra that I only wore twice. They all sat in the bra drawer throughout my expansion process because I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them. Taking them out of the drawer may have been acceptance of my new chest, but it felt more like a nail in the coffin of my old chest. It was a final goodbye I wasn't sure I could ever prepare for.

So, expansions went on week by week. The nurse at my fill appointments told me that most women get between 500 to 700 milliliters of saline injected into their expanders. I ended up with around 660 before I decided two things. (1) They looked like they would probably be a c-cup. And (2) FOR GODS SAKE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, GET THESE DAMNED THINGS OUT OF ME, I JUST WANT TO FUCKING LAY ON MY BACK OR SIDE AND MAYBE EVEN BEND OVER TO PICK SOMETHING UP WITHOUT BEING IN PAIN, WHY HASN'T ANYONE INVENTED A BETTER WAY TO DO THIS YET!?!?!?!!!

Obviously I didn't put it that way when telling the nurse I had decided. Every week she would ask how I was feeling about the size, and that week I told her that it would be my last fill. The next step would be to schedule an appointment with the surgeon to go over implant options, then a different appointment with a nurse to go over pre-surgical information.

My last fill was in the beginning of January. I had been living with expanders for over 3 months. The surgery to put my implants in would unfortunately have to wait until March, though, because I had to make some big plans for my long-term health and cancer risks. Before I would get my expanders taken out, I had an organ system to evict, my reproductive tract

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